Younger I was sooo afraid of giving birth!
I thought it all started with a big needle in my spine...
But when I started digging and informing myself suddenly all was clear : our bodies are designed to give birth naturally!
I always believe I would be a mother at the right time (it was a big surprise as we were “being careful”) and when the day arrived : I was sooo happy and I knew that I would do anything to birth our child naturally!!
Hospital was not for me, if everything was fine, I wanted to be in the comfort of my home to birth my child, far from any drugs, strong lights etc!
I understood straight that it starts with the birth team!
Very decisive choice!
The universe brought me to Liliana Lammers “the mother of doulas”.
Long story short, she suggested Sally, a midwife, she worked with a few times, sharing the same respect for a physiological birth.
We all met and it was a match, only thing that I felt straight very strongly, it was intuitive : I wanted my partner, the father of our child, to be present in the same room.
But Liliana was very against it, saying that it will slow the process, that women should be alone…
I didn’t listen to my screaming voice inside and thought oh well I will convince her at some point!
We travelled the world during all my pregnancy and I felt very empowered and ready to give birth, following the advices of Liliana I didn’t read much about it, nor did birth preparation class just a few meetings we had via zoom or when we stopped in London.
Liliana would talk about past births, but never about practical things…
I was amused by all the stories and also about the friendly meetings, one day I said very straightforwardly “it’s very important for me that my partner is there, present!” She said you will see it’s a “two person job” you and your baby, anything or anyone else will slow the process!
We had to register at the hospital in case we needed to make an entrance on the day even though we both really didn’t want to but we went there with our masks, past scans and blood tests.
We waited so long until a women arrived and said hello and straight that I had a problem with my amniotic fluid (I embraced my pregnancy straight away and had a rounded belly very rapidly, so this made people talk and make tones of very unnecessary comments during my whole pregnancy) then she started very suspiciously asking for so many things and made me do so many tests until we said enough with all the fear and we are only here to register in case we will need to be transferred if anything goes wrong!
She, then apologized, examined me and said we had a very healthy baby and everything was fine!
We went away, promising each other we will never come back here again, only if we really needed to!
The time flew and Friday, 3 days before my due date, I said to my partner let’s walk, let’s go out… I felt soo energized and happy, I was feeling sooo good, we went to one of our favorite restaurant by foot, really had a lovely night and walk back home, laughing…
And once home my water broke (actually the water from then was dripping from time to time…)
I was soo excited, but knew it could take a while, texted Liliana and Sally and we fall asleep…
Sunday night still losing a little water from time to time, I started to fell like my period was coming, very happy I knew we were close!
The cramps woke me up in the middle of the night I decide to text Liliana saying it was a little stronger and that I was going back to sleep…
At 7h30 (the day of my due date !!!), half awake, I noticed that now every 5 mins I was getting, what I think we called “contractions” now it was getting real!
I woke up smiling, had a walk in the silence of our flat, it was the full moon I remembered talking to my little one, so happy and careful not to wake up “daddy” so he could get as much sleep as possible and came back in my bed and texted Sally and Liliana reporting and saying I will try to go back to sleep!
From there the pain deepened, we both were awake, stayed in bed as much as possible until my body needed to move, then we thought it was time to ask Liliana to come, it was the afternoon already…
When she arrived with her big aura and came to see me and said to both of us to rest and asked Charaf to leave me, we trusted!
I lost track of time and felt it was for ever…
Pain was getting intense I forgot to eat and now could not anymore…
I felt so alone, but could not really phrase it…
I was feeling all my body moving and my baby moving together, I felt exhausted…
I heard Liliana suddenly telling me not to push, I remember thinking from where did she arrive, felt like she was not walking but rather floating above the floor…
I took this information and time flew I was very confused as I felt my body needed to push but my mind was stopping it, the pain was so strong and I could not fully let it go I was very aware but totally gone, very strange feeling…
Suddenly Sally arrived, it was dark, she said, can I check you then said I was fully dilated and baby‘s head was there, but not progressing as she was hearing, and that if this didn’t change we will need to transfer to the hospital!
This word woke me up immediately, to the hospital, I said no way!!!
I said, Sally I am exhausted and I need to push and I can not and where is Charaf (my partner)!!!
She said do you want him to come and yes you have to push to bring this baby and I was like what!!?
Anyway, from there she explained how to push exactly and Charaf arrived in the room with a total trust in me and brought a beautiful energy and he took my hands, I felt I didn’t have any more strength that I was so weak and that I had lost so much time, but I felt our baby was so close and I knew I could do it!!!
Together, hand in hand, in our bathroom, we pushed, the magic took the place of the pain and after looooong stretches our baby was born in the comfort of our home!
It was a very healthy big boy, he jumped on my breast and fed instantly…
No words can describe the power of birthing a child plus exactly how you decide to do it!
After understanding what happened there I deeply believe that it was meant to be, all of it…
Liliana apologized and said it was a misunderstanding and explained she meant not to push with my head and I remembered that my intuition was right, I wanted Charaf present as he wanted to be too, and as our baby boy Alaya wanted too…
With the same beautiful energy we conceived Alaya he was born and I was too! Born as a mother, stronger than ever, empowered by this beautiful experience of birthing naturally my child and determined to always listen to my intuition and trust it!
And now I am committed to voice to every women how important it is to be informed to then make the right decision, for ourselves, of how to birth our child and more than anything to listen and trust our intuition!
Comments